It would be very easy to spoil an adopted child. In Aliyah's case, she had 16 months in two different orphanages where her basic needs for food and shelter were met but may of her other needs were often unmet due to sheer numbers of children vs caregivers. When we were at the transition home we were amazed by how quiet it was. There were forty children at this home and it was quiet. If a child cries and nobody attends to their needs then the child will eventually learn to not cry. On our first trip to Ethiopia, Aliyah was non responsive to our attempts to interact with her for the first three days. Twice she cried but the only sign was a tear falling from her eye, she didn't make a sound.
So now we are home and we can meet her needs. So you could see that it would be very easy to spoil her and for the first few months that is exactly what we did. But then we realized that it would be easy to go too far. We have other responsibilities as her parents to set guidelines for expected behavior. Yes, we will pick you up when you want to be held and we will read you another bedtime story. But no, you can't hit your sibling or rip pages out of a book. So now we have tantrums. On a typical day I would say she has between 2-4 tantrums and when she gets going, she doesn't stop! When she has these tantrums we just hold her and try to comfort her until she calms down. We are trying to find that balance between her feeling loved and secure and not leading her to believe that the world revolves around her. Our social worker complemented us on recognizing this early on but it's definitely easier said than done.
We try to look at it that it's a good sign that she feels comfortable enough with us to act like this. She hasn't cried at school yet. We went through something similar with Noah where he would never act out at school and then would have a meltdown on the way home. It's good that Aliyah is bonded enough to know that she can show her emotions and we will still love her unconditionally. Now that all sounds honky-dory but it's a little harder to have that "gee isn't this so great" perspective when you are holding a child who is wailing on and on for 15 minutes.
I love how she gets both the furrowed brow AND the pouty lip. I showed her this picture this morning and she laughed and said "Aliyah cries" and then proceeded to reenact this event from yesterday.
If it makes you feel any better, Lucy shocked me (and I am pretty sure half the neighborhood) by throwing a tantrum to beat all tantrums today...it was legendary. Aliyah looks much more darling (and quiet) about her tantrums! Hoping it's a short stage! Sounds like you're doing a great job with the tricky balance of love and discipline.
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